My heart

Mar
2015
08

posted by on Thoughts, Uncategorized

2 comments

Some days I’m so tired, I feel as though my body is walking about without a brain, and even more so with out a heart. It’s like the strain of sleeplessness steals your tenderness, your gentleness and gives you an edginess in return. I often wonder, where is the girl I used to be? I am I just a shadow of who I once was? Then as I pass through a room, I see a photo pop up on the screensaver that makes me stop. It’s my first born, now 7, with baby fat rolls, in just bloomers and a whisp of a pony tail, 17 months old. She’s squatting down to see new baby brother, just 5 days old in the photo, still so squinty & puffy from the transition of the quiet & warm of my womb to the harshness of the world. My eyes are wet and a lump rises. There’s my heart. They have it. Sometimes I forget. In the day to day of Brush your teeth, Why are your clothes still on the floor? Get your shoes on! Get off her. Stop touching him. That they have my heart.

You know when you’re young, and you fall in love, and you get your heart broken? You just know you’ll never be the same. You’ll never get that piece of you back. Lost love leaves a gaping hole in your heart. Then you find the one, you get married, you get pregnant and this love, this is different. Nothing prepares you for it. This love makes your heart grow, and expand, and it covers any gaps from any previous hurts and it even overflows so that when the little one is born you have an abundance. You have this abundance that pours forth. And you give it to them. You birth this child into the world with your blood, sweat and your tears and out of that hurt bursts forth the abundant joy. And you hold them in your arms, pouring your abundant love into them. And in no time, they are crawling around eating legos & old pretzels hidden under the table, running through your clean house with muddy shoes looking for a nerf gun, or trying on your shoes, wearing lipstick without asking and poking you in the rear telling you how giggly you are. Yep. They have my heart. I can’t lie, it gets harder with pieces of it running in different directions. But the miracle is, the Lord keeps giving me more and more. Each morning anew. Enough love to go around. 
Newborn Trip 17 mo Joss

 

mntkidsmerciesarenew

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

His mercies never come to an end;

They are new every morning;

Great is thy faithfulness.

Lamentation 3:22-23

2 comments

  1. Elizabeth
    • Keri

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